I'm Already There
by Anastasia-Beaverhausen
Summary: Des has just been murdered in custody following his arrest. But even after his death, he continues to ask for Sheelagh's forgiveness. Could be 'Dead Des-The Musical' Not exactly realist but hey! Plz R
1. Answers in The Bottom of a Bottle

Sheelagh sat alone in the dark with a glass of white wine in her hand, she rolled the liquid round and round the sides of the glass, not really wanting to drink it but not really wanting to put it down.

It had been a long and very traumatic day. She was finding it hard to forgive herself for not talking to Des when he'd pleaded to her; she wondered if maybe she had, then he wouldn't have wound that psycho up so much and then he'd still be alive. She couldn't help blaming herself for everything, so many things had gone wrong for her lately it was hard to believe it was all just misfortune.

Her thoughts flashed back to leaning over Des's body, trying to revive him. She never thought their lips would have to meet like that, with a resuscitation mask between them.

"Oh Des..." She sighed to herself "I'm sorry"

She knew she should go to bed, although facing work in the morning would be a challenge, and that thought put her off moving. She looked back at the glass

"Here's to you, wherever you are" She whispered, her voice breaking as the tears fell.

She downed the glassful in one go and winced, then cast her eyes to the bottle standing on the coffee table, it was all a blur through her curtain of tears but she could see enough to reach out and pour another drink. The bottle neck clinked against the glass, she surprised even herself with how much her hands were shaking, but it wasn't going to stop her. She knew drinking wouldn't solve her problems, but just for tonight, maybe it would keep them at bay.

She slumped back in the armchair and gazed into space, it was too difficult to focus so she just stared blankly. She put the glass down on the table and watched it, she knew she'd had too much because it wouldn't stay still. She picked up a cushion, put it under her head and closed her eyes. The tears still rolled down her cheeks, they itched as they traced their way down, but she didn't move to wipe them away.

She cried herself to sleep, it wasn't intentional, but she couldn't stay awake any longer.


	2. Talking In Her Sleep

The days events rushed around in her head, the images, the conversations, the thoughts - all mixed up and merged into one. She'd been dreading the dreams, but she knew they'd come. And sure enough, they did.

Again she was standing over Des's body, so still and lifeless. She knelt beside him, taking his hand, the world around them disappeared and they were alone in the darkness.

Des's eyes flickered open. He looked at her

"Shee..." He whispered

She didn't say anything, she knew she was dreaming, so having a conversation with him seemed a little pointless.

"What?" He asked

She stared at him intently and sighed

"You're dead" She laughed weakly, something seemed so ironic about the whole situation

"I know" Came the reply

Sheelagh was quite taken aback, for some reason she'd expected some kind of denial, shock, disbelief, anything but 'I know'

"I don't know why I'm talking to you, I know this is a dream" She muttered to herself, but loud enough that Des could hear. She also wondered if he could read her mind, after all it was a dream, and they were hardly renowned for the rationality.

"So you'd rather be awake, and never be able to talk to me again?" He asked, a pensive scowl coming over his face like a dark, distant storm cloud rolling in.

Sheelagh wasn't sure what she wanted, it wasn't something she'd contemplated until now.

"Des... I don't know....I" She said shaking her head and not raising her eyes from the ground

She turned to walk away, in her heart she knew she wanted Des there but her mind was screaming at her to let go, talking to ghosts would only hurt her more.

The front door slammed shut, waking her with a start. She sat bolt upright in the darkness, listening intently to someone moving in the hall. She was fear stricken and unable to move.


	3. Late, I think

"Mum?" Declan called out

She looked at her watch, she was still trying to overcome the alcohol but eventually determined it was late and she should be reprimanding him.

"Do you know what time it is?!" She said sternly, even though she wasn't sure of the time.

"Sorry Mum, you've not been waiting up for me have you?" He asked, beginning to feel guilty

"Fortunately for you, no I haven't, but if I had..." She replied, she couldn't really face a confrontation tonight

Declan wandered into the living room, and sat down beside her. She pulled him close.

"I love you" She said quiety

"Mummmm" He whinged

"I know I know, but if I can't tell you when it's just the two of us, when can I tell you?" She sighed

"I love you too Mum" He resigned, holding her tight and rubbing her back

She wanted to talk to him about Des, but she didn't really know what to say. She felt awkward, after all, Des wasn't exactly her children's favourite topic after the affair, and Niamh. She was trying to arrange the words in her head when Declan asked,

"What's wrong?"

"Bad day" She replied after further consideration

"What happened" He knew it was something serious, he saw the empty bottle on the table, and only one glass. His Mum didn't normally drink a whole bottle to herself.

"Des" She signed at last

"What's he done this time?" Declan was angry at Des, he'd watched him Mum suffering long enough.

"He..." Sheelagh began to cry "He died today"

"Oh Mum, I'm sorry" He whispered


	4. Don't forgive, and I Won't Let you Forge...

Sheelagh sat up and looked at her son, she was so proud of her children, they were a real credit to her. She smiled crookedly and rubbed his hair

"Come on you, it's late enough, you should be in bed" She half heartedly ordered

"Yes Ma'am" He joked and stood up, helping his Mum to her feet

"Thanks, and don't call me Ma'am, I get enough of that at work!" She smiled

They walked up the stairs and stood on the landing.

"Night son" She whispered, kissing him on the forehead

"Night Mum" He whispered "I love you"

"Love you too" She said quietly as she opened her bedroom door

She got changed and climbed into her bed. It was so cold and empty, but she was too tired to care. It wasn't long before she'd fallen asleep

"I'm still here" Came Des's voice

"Why?" She asked, it was becoming slightly creepy now

"You avoided me while I was alive, you wouldn't forgive me, but now there's no way out. You've got to listen this time" He hissed

"Des, you're scaring me" She whimpered, looking round for a way out, but knowing deep down it was all in her head and there wasn't a way out.

She turned away and closed her eyes, hoping she would wake up. Tears rolled down her cheeks, she was trapped in her own dreams.

"What are you doing?" He asked

"Leave me alone, Des, please!"

Des lurched forward, grabbing her am. He began to shake it. She opened her eyes to see Declan shaking her


	5. Feeling Brave Are We?

"Mum? Mum! Wake up!" He said, the concern was evident in his voice

"Declan?" She mumbled

He sat down on the bed beside her and held her hand

"Are you OK, Mum?" He asked

"I think so, why did you wake me up?" She couldn't help wondering if she was still asleep

"I heard you crying, so I came to see if you were alright but you were asleep. You were thrashing about and it was scaring me, so I thought I should wake you" He explained

"Thanks sweetheart" She said with a weak smile

She sat up and patted the bed beside her, Declan got the idea and went and sat beside her.

"What were you dreaming about?" He couldn't hide his curiosity any longer

She sighed

"When you came home I was asleep, I'd been dreaming about Des, but it was strange, he was talking to me, and I could reply as I would normally. Then you woke me up, but when I fell asleep just now he was still there, and he was really scaring me, I tried to wake up but I couldn't, I tried to think about something else but it didn't work. I don't want to go back to sleep" She said, it reminded her of when her children had bad dreams, she'd always tell them that God would be there to protect them, so they would be safe and could go back to sleep.

"Do you want me to stay here, Mum? Then I can wake you up if you get upset again" He said sympathetically.

She didn't know what to say, on the one hand she'd always vowed never to show her weaknesses in front of her children but on the other, she was terrified to close her eyes, and some how the theory that God would protect her didn't seem to ease her worries.

Declan knew the answer, she didn't have to say it. He lay on the bed beside her, she laid back down and turned out the light.

"Thank you" She said quietly

"It's alright, you've done this for me enough times" He replied

Sheelagh fell asleep very quickly, she was exhausted.

"Welcome back" Des growled

"Get on with it then" She said with a worried frown

"Feeling brave now are we, with Declan there?" He asked

"How do you know he's there?" She asked, her voice shaking with fear

"I can see him" Replied Des

She was beginning to get scared, she wished Declan would wake her up but nothing was happening.

"He's asleep, it's just you and me now" He said with an maniacal grin spreading across his face

"Wh...What are going to do?" Sheelagh whimpered, ordinarily she didn't let her dreams get to her, but she knew this was more than that

The phone in her pocket began to ring, she picked it up to answer it, but it wasn't ringing. She woke up. It was her bedside alarm buzzing. She hit it a few times and eventually she got the sleep button.

She rolled over to see Declan beginning to stir, he squinted as he opened his eyes, and yawned.

"No more bad dreams?" He asked, his question barely finished when he yawned again

"No, thanks darling" She said with a weak smile, she didn't want to worry him, and she knew he would feel bad for falling asleep and leaving her to it. Besides, he was exhausted, he'd done the best he could.

"Good, so you're alright?" He smiled

"Yeah, I'm fine thanks" She replied, taking his hand and squeezing it gently

Declan squeezed his Mum's hand back and stood up

"Spose I should get up" He yawned

"Yeah, I'm going to call in sick. You should go back to bed, you look shattered!" She said with a smile

"You don't have to tell me twice, night night Mum" He laughed walking out of the room

"Night sweetheart" She called as he began to close the door behind him


	6. Doctor, Doctor

She rolled over and picked up the phone from the bedside cabinet, and dialled the number for the doctors. She made an appointment for 10.45 and then rang work.  
  
"Gina? It's Sheelagh" She said  
"Hello, is everything alright?" Gina asked  
"Well no not really, I've had a bit of a rough night, so I'm going to the doctors at 10.45, I was wondering if I could have the day off please?" Sheelagh asked nervously, she didn't think Gina would be very sympathetic about the previous days events  
"Yes, that's fine. I hope you feel better soon, take care" Gina replied, in a very matter of fact manner.  
"Thanks Gina, bye" Sheelagh managed to say before the phone cut off  
  
Sheelagh got out of bed and put her bathrobe and slippers on, opened the curtains and went downstairs to make some breakfast. Declan sat at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea.  
  
"There's plenty in the pot, just grab a cup" He smiled  
"Thanks darling, I thought you were going to bed?" She asked  
"I was, but my mouth felt revolting, so I came down for a drink" He answered  
Sheelagh laughed "I see"  
  
After that, they sat in silence, Declan finished his drink, looked at his Mum and smiled, "Night....Again"  
"Night"  
  
He leant over and kissed her on the cheek and wandered back to bed.  
  
When Sheelagh was finished, she walked back upstairs, got washed and dressed and went back to the kitchen to make some toast. She switched on the TV and watched a chat show. After a while she looked at the clock and decided it was time to go, so she got in the car and headed to the doctors.  
  
There was the usual ridiculous wait, she didn't understand how, with 4 doctors working there, and they opened at 8 o'clock, they could be so far behind already. She picked up a magazine, only to discover it was 3 months old. She sighed. Then the receptionist called her name.  
  
She walked down the passageway to the doctors office and knocked, before walking in and taking a seat.  
  
"Good morning Mrs.." The doctor glanced at his computer screen "Murphy"  
"Morning doctor"  
"So, what can I do for you?" He asked  
"I've been having some trouble sleeping, my dreams are a bit, well, scary" She said, realising she sounded quite paranoid  
"How long have you been having this?" The doctor enquired, eyeing her up and down  
"Well it started last night" She responded  
"Hmmm...And what are you dreaming about?"  
"A colleague, well, my ex lover, died yesterday in custody. Every time I close my eyes he starts talking to me, and he seems to know what's going on when I'm awake too" She said, wondering when he'd call security and prescribe a straight jacket  
"Well, Mrs Murphy, you may be pleased to know that it's quite normal to feel like the dead are still with us when you've just lost someone you cared about" He said, trying not to sound patronising, but failing miserably. "If you're still having problems in a week, come back and we'll talk about antidepressants and sleeping tablets, or I can refer you to a community psychiatric nurse if you'd prefer"  
"NO! No, it's OK thank you. I'm a police officer, it would only do my reputation more harm" She said worriedly  
"Well, alright. But still come back in a week if it persists" He said, raising an eyebrow at her rapid response  
"Thank you doctor" She sighed but couldn't help thinking 'Thanks for nothing'  
"Goodbye Mrs Murphy" The doctor called as she walked to the door


	7. Not A Day Goes By

She muttered to herself on the way out to the car "Bloody useless waste of space" but at the same time she couldn't help realising that there wasn't really much anyone could do. She drove home in silence, she didn't want to turn the radio on, she'd heard about these paranoid people before, she didn't want the stereo reading her mind. She laughed to herself, it was kind of funny in a 'it would be if it was happening to someone but me' sort of way.  
She got home, unlocked the front door and headed straight into the kitchen. Conor was making a sandwich, he looked round  
  
"Alright Mum?" He said, it was more of a rhetorical question, he didn't really want a detailed description of her days events and all that is wrong with the world through the eyes of his Mum  
"Hi, how are you? You didn't come home last night" She said, trying not to sound like a nagging mother, it wasn't like she'd been worrying.  
"Yeah, I kipped on a mate's sofa. You weren't worried were you?" He asked, feeling guilty. He may have grown up but he knew she still worried about him the way she did when he was a kid.  
"No, was it was just an observation" She smiled  
"That's alright then. Do you want a sandwich?" He said, holding one out to her  
  
She looked up at the clock, it was 1.30 already, she couldn't believe how long she'd been at the doctors. She took the sandwich from her son and smiled.

"Thanks sweetheart"  
"No problem, I'd better go I was supposed to be down the pub half an hour ago!" He mumbled, with a mouth full of food. He kissed her on the cheek and darted out of the room.  
  
She put the kettle on, made a drink and went and sat on the sofa. She put the cup down on the coffee table and turned on the TV  
  
"Daytime television...I'm so pleased I have a job" She muttered to herself  
  
She lay down on the sofa and without evening meaning to, she fell asleep.  
  
"Make up your mind! Are you staying or going?" Des asked, he seemed a little friendlier than he had done earlier

"I didn't mean to come, I was watching TV..." Her voice trailed off, she realised she was talking to someone that wasn't even real again  
"Daytime TV has that effect on a lot of people, Shee, I wouldn't be too concerned" He smiled  
"It makes them talk to dead people?" She said sarcastically  
"Yes, but isn't it nicer when you talk to me, instead of trying to escape, it just gets us both upset" Reasoned Des

Sheelagh looked around, all she could see what darkness. She held her hand up to her face, but she couldn't see it until her fingers touched the end of her nose. It was all very bizarre but for some reason she wasn't scared.

"So, what's changed between now and the last time you visited?" He asked "You did nothing but panic and plot your escape"

She sighed

"I realised that it's all in my head, they doctor looked at me as if I was mad, imagine what would happen if I told anyone else. So I figured I'd just have to make the best I could of it"

Des stepped closer

"I'm sorry if I scared you earlier, Shee. I didn't mean to, I was just getting so frustrated, things have changed so much and there's only you I've got to talk to"

Sheelagh looked him, should couldn't help but pity him, she'd been terrified last time she'd fallen asleep but now she felt guilty.

She dropped to her knees, hoping there was a floor in the blackness, and there was. She sat down and reached up to take Des's hand. She guided him down to where she sat. She didn't like to question why he appeared to have a beam of light onto his face, it illuminated him down to his waist, like a spotlight you'd find in a theatre.

"So what do you want to talk about?" She asked after a few seconds silence

"I'm sorry, Shee, for everything that's happened

"Does that include threatening to kill your best friend?" She asked curtly

"Reg knows I'm sorry. I left him a parcel before I died" Des replied, glancing sideways to try and avoid her invasive stares

"That's something I suppose" She replied, looking away, she knew she was making him uncomfortable by staring like that

Des looked at her

"I really am sorry" He said, hoping he'd get a response if he said it enough

Sheelagh looked into his eyes, she wanted to believe him, after all he was suffering enough for it now. She didn't know what to say, she didn't like to have her trust abused by people, and essentially that was what happened. She'd believed Des to be relatively trustworthy, she thought he wouldn't lie to her, but he did. It was that that hurt her.

"Des, I..." She stopped and looked out into the blackness, "It's OK, it doesn't matter now"

"It matters to me, Shee." His voice began to break and he turned away

Sheelagh looked at him for a moment, from his silhouette she could tell he was trembling , something compelled her to speak but the words weren't coming to her, until...

'Got a picture of you I carry in my heart  
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark  
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul  
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold  
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine  
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind  
  
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you  
After all this time you're still with me it's true  
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside  
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by  
  
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night  
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right  
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark  
Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart  
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine  
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind  
  
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you  
After all this time you're still with me it's true  
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside  
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by  
  
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days  
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way  
  
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you  
After all this time you're still with me it's true  
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside

Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by'

Des turned to her, despite his tear stained face he managed a smile, he'd never heard her sing before. It was so pure and beautiful and he couldn't help feeling like she really did need him.

"Where did that come from?" He asked with a careful smile

"I don't know, I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the words to tell you how I feel. Don't get me wrong, Des, I'm still angry and I'm still hurt but I'm still in love with you" She found it hard to look into his eyes as she whispered her words out, but she knew she had to.

He moved closer and leaned into kiss her but she pulled back, the pain in her eyes burned through him, he knew she wasn't doing it because she didn't want him to kiss, but because the reality of it was, it wasn't real.

She knew he understood so she held his hands in the silence

"So what happens now?" She couldn't help wondering what would happen now she'd forgiven him, did it mean he would go? Or would he just lurk around in the darkness of her sleeping mind?

"I'll be here as long as you need me" He said enigmatically, something seemed odd about it, how would he know when she didn't need him any longer? What if she always needed him?

Her puzzled expression gave her away, Des smiled weakly

"You've been through a lot, Shee, and I know I've let you down. But I'm here with you, for now at least"

She smiled

"Thanks Des" She said, looking rather coy.

His parting 'I love you' blurred into the sound of her daughter's voice and she awoke


	8. Quality Time

"Hi Mum" Siobahn smiled down at her

"Hi love" Sheelagh was pleased to see her daughter, but sad to leave Des on his own

"Are you OK? Declan said he spent the night in your room because you were having bad dreams" Siobahn asked, the concern in her voice always made Sheelagh smile, it was just always nice to be reminded that her children loved her.

"I'm alright now, thanks sweetheart" She said gently patting her daughter's leg

"Good. Declan told me about Des" Siobahn said as her gaze fell to the floor, she wasn't really sure how her Mum felt about it but she didn't like to avoid the topic either.

"Oh right" Sheelagh replied, she wasn't sure if it was an enquiry as to her feelings or if it was just a straightforward statement

"How're you coping?" She asked looking once more into her mother's weary blue eyes

"I'm fine, thanks for asking though" Sheelagh replied honestly, she really was feeling a lot better

"It's just, I know it can't be easy losing someone you love, especially after...well...after Niamh" She stammered her way through the sentence

Sheelagh was pleased Siobahn realised that she really did love Des, and that she hadn't just left Patrick for a fly-by-night affair. Even so, mentioning Niamh made her heart heavy once more.

"Thanks darling" Sheelagh said with a weak smile

"No problem, do you want cuppa?" Siobahn said as she turned towards the door

"Go on then, you've twisted my arm" She replied

When Siobahn returned they sat together on the sofa watching TV. They talked about what they'd been doing all day, though Sheelagh was economical with the truth and only told her daughter about Gina's abruptness on the phone, the doctor and how depressingly dull daytime television was.

An hour or so passed and the front door slammed shut, Declan bounced in with a grin from one ear to the other

"Hi!" He said, the tone of his voice reflecting his facial expression

"What?" Sheelagh couldn't help but ask

"Declan, you're smiling like an eejit" Siobahn laughed

Declan brought his hand from behind his back and handed his mum a box of chocolates and a bunch of flowers. She couldn't help but smile, she had been contemplating tell him off for always slamming the door, but he'd made up for it now

"What are you after?" Siobahn asked, suspicious of her little brothers intentions

"Nothing, just wanted to cheer Mum up, that's all" He said, his expression as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth

"Awww thank you darling" She said, standing up and giving him a cuddle

Just then the door shut again and Conor strolled in

"Evening" He said with a smile, handing his Mum a bottle of wine "I noticed you drank your last bottle last night, so I thought I'd get you some more while I was out"

"Thank you love" She smiled

"Well I feel guilty now" Announced Siobahn with a slight frown

"Bless" Mocked Sheelagh "You've spent some quality time with me Darling, that means a lot" She put her arm round her daughter and kissed her cheek "I don't know what I've done to deserve you three, really I don't" She sniffed, feeling very blessed to have them all there with her, knowing all to well that she could have lost any or all of them over her affair with Des

"Well, as a thank you, how about I order a pizza, or Chinese, or how about you say what you each want and then I'll order it"

"Great!" They all replied instantaneously

"Well I'm in the mood for pizza" Sheelagh decided

"Chicken Tikka" Declan grinned

"I'll have pizza too, but can I share with you?" AskedSiobahn

"Sure you can darling, ham & pineapple with extra cheese?" Laughed Sheelagh, whenever they shared a pizza it was what they always ended up getting

"Cantonese style sweet and sour pork" Conor finally made up his mind

Sheelagh wandered off to find the Yellow Pages and order the food. Siobahn disappeared off upstairs and returned with an armful of DVDs. The boys sighed in unison,

"Uhhh chick flicks!"

Half an hour later the food began to arrive, they waited until everyone had their order and sat down. They watched a few films until they were all exhausted, Sheelagh looked at her kids and sighed

"Come on then, bed" She stood up and hugged each of them

"Night Mum" Came the chorus of three and they trudged upstairs, for once Siobahn and Declan didn't have a thunderous race up the stairs

Sheelagh locked the doors and turned out the lights, pour herself a glass of water and made her way up to bed.


	9. Weep Not For The Memories

It wasn't long before she was turning out the bedside lamp and pulling her pillow close. After so many years of being married, being alone in bed was quite a new concept, and holding her pillow gave her some solace. Her eyelids grew heavier and in no time at all she was gone

She was back in the darkness but she couldn't see Des anywhere. She dropped to the floor and sat there alone, the only sound she should hear where her heartbeat and her breathing. She felt something touch her leg, and she looked down to see a familiar hand, her eyes followed it up the arm and it lead her eyes to Des's face.

"Hey" She smiled

"Hi" Came the reply

"I thought you'd gone" She said, the words catching in her throat as she spoke

"I told you I'd be here as long as you need me" He said, reassuringly squeezing her knee

"I know but, you weren't here waiting for me when I fell asleep" She said, feeling pathetic saying it but she wasn't prepared to hide her insecurities in her dreams, it was the one time she could do as she pleased, without any disapproval or consequence.

"You and your kids had a good night, you're a lucky lady to have such a wonderful family" He sighed, the pain in his voice was evident, he had wanted few things more to be a family with Sheelagh and little Niamh, but it was never to be

"I know I am, I count my blessings every day for those kids" She gave a little smile, but her thoughts couldn't help but drift back to Niamh. The pain was still so raw, but having Des to talk to eased it slightly as she no longer felt like she'd lost them both.

They looked at each other and half-heartedly smiled

"You're thinking about Niamh" She sighed at last

"So are you" He replied

They said nothing more, Des put his arms around her and pulled her close. She nestled her face into his chest, but not being able to hear his heartbeat disturbed her. The tears began to roll down her cheeks, she couldn't help dwelling on the past, her relationship with Des, it was all so hard to take in. He held her tighter 'Remember the good times that we had?  
I let them slip away from us when things got bad  
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun  
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one  
  
I will remember you  
Will you remember me?  
Don't let your life pass you by  
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep  
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep  
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word  
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose  
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose  
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night  
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light'


End file.
